


kokichi is gay and shit at cooking: the saga

by hejustkeptonyoing



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hope's Peak Academy (Dangan Ronpa), Alternate Universe - No Killing Game (Dangan Ronpa), Fluff, Kokichi Is A Dumbass, M/M, Shuichi and Kokichi are roommates (oh my god they were roommates), dont worry there’s nothing explicit just cursing, egg gore, i can’t believe this is my first post to this hellsite, major character death - egg, no beta because my friend is asleep and it would be impolite to yell at her about it right now, rated teen and up for the fuck word, shitpost, smh my head, will i wait? no because im impatient
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:07:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24331066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hejustkeptonyoing/pseuds/hejustkeptonyoing
Summary: There are four (4) things that are (currently) true about Kokichi Ouma, self proclaimed king of lies, and they are as follows:•Kokichi is 5’1•Kokichi hasn’t bathed in 10 days•Kokichi is head over heels for his roommate, even if he’ll never admit it out loud•And, Most importantly, Kokichi Ouma, Ultimate Supreme Leader, cannot cook to save his life.There are many (many) things that Kokichi knows (or at least he thinks) are true about Shuichi Saihara, his roommate, and some are as follows:•Shuichi is 5’7•He is very clean (and concerned about the fact that Kokichi hasn’t bathed in a while)•Shuichi could definitely do better than his absolute crackhead of a roommate•And, Most importantly, Shuichi Saihara, Ultimate Detective, is incredibly overworked and hasn’t come out of his room to eat for 6 hours.Which is why the purple haired bastard himself is currently staring at an egg on the counter, trying to will his precious remaining brain cells to rub together and produce the answer to today’s burning question: How The Fuck Do You Make An Omlet.
Relationships: Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 27
Kudos: 156





	kokichi is gay and shit at cooking: the saga

There are four (4) things that are (currently) true about Kokichi Ouma, self proclaimed king of lies, and they are as follows:

•Kokichi is 5’1  
•Kokichi hasn’t bathed in 10 days  
•Kokichi is head over heels for his roommate, even if he’ll never admit it out loud  
•And, Most importantly, Kokichi Ouma, Ultimate Supreme Leader, cannot cook to save his life.

There are many (many) things that Kokichi knows (or at least he thinks) are true about Shuichi Saihara, his roommate, and some are as follows:

•Shuichi is 5’7  
•He is very clean (and concerned about the fact that Kokichi hasn’t bathed in a while)  
•Shuichi could definitely do better than his absolute crackhead of a roommate  
•And, Most importantly, Shuichi Saihara, Ultimate Detective, is incredibly overworked and hasn’t come out of his room to eat for 6 hours.

Which is why the purple haired bastard himself is currently staring at an egg on the counter, trying to will his precious remaining brain cells to rub together and produce the answer to today’s burning question: How The Fuck Do You Make An Omlet. 

Kokichi doesn't want his friend to starve, and he fears the golden eyed detective would finally crumple into a pile of cheap plastic prop bones you’d find at a Walmart during spooky time if he didn’t make him something to eat. Horrendous cooking skills aside, an omlet couldn’t be that hard to make. Right? ”What could go wrong?” He mumbles, patting the egg gently like it was his child.

Rule one of life: Never say that sentence.

Now, something about the Greasy Gay Goblin Man™ currently petting an egg like a dumbass is that he is very stubborn, and it gets in his way constantly. Will Kokichi look up how to make an omelet like a sane person? No. Because Kokichi is Kokichi and decides that the best way to handle this is making this goddamn omelet is to make it with his intuition alone to spite everyone (Kiibo, Miu, and Rantaro, those whores) who told him he can’t cook. 

Unfortunately for Kokichi, the people who told him he can’t cook were right, and that leads us to

Rule two of life: Ask for help instead of being a little bottom bitch.

Kokichi gently grabs the egg and holds it up in his hand like Shakespeare. “How are you gonna be cooked? Little bitch? Little piss baby?” He giggles at his own thought process like a goddamn fool and decides after a good 5 seconds of contemplation that he would cook this egg in the microwave, because that would be quick and nice and easy and nothing wrong would happen ever. He would deliver the Microwaved Egg™ to Shuichi like a good little shit and Shuichi would appreciate it.

Rule three of life: Never, ever, ever microwave an egg.

Kokichi tosses the egg onto a plate and, with one last longing pat, into the microwave. Figuring that a minute and a half would be long enough to cook an egg, he leaves the microwave alone to let it cook. Like an idiot. He tosses himself onto the couch and has a good 45 seconds of peace before he hears crackling coming from the microwave.

Kokichi has just enough time to think ‘Whoops, that’s not supposed to happen’ before the whole ass egg he tossed in the microwave fucking explodes. 

Cue homosexual panic.

He jumps off the couch like someone lit a fire under his ass and runs over to the microwave, visibly sweating. There were egg guts everywhere in the microwave and it smelled like Satan took a curling iron to his pubes. “...Oopsie.” He nervously giggles and begins trying to figure out how to clean the egg mess before Shuichi finds out and worries about it.

Spoiler alert: the eggsplosion was loud as hell, and Shuichi heard it.

Kokichi had grabbed the paper towels and climbed onto the counter to begin wiping up the mess before he registered the frantic footsteps coming down the hallway. ‘Shit.’ He elegantly thinks as the man of the hour runs into the kitchen. “Kokichi! I heard a loud noise, is everything…” He stops mid sentence, registering the scene of absolute tomfuckery before him. 

“Kokichi, did. Did you microwave a fucking egg?”

The checkered bastard stink man on the counter nervously laughs, moving to sit on the counter. “Yes, but just because you wouldn’t leave your room for 6 hours straight. I was worried you died, so I put a bomb in the microwave! Turns out you’re alive. Boohoo.” Shuichi exhales loudly through his nose and puts a hand to his head in an ‘I Can’t Believe This Idiot’ kind of gesture. “So you did. Kokichi, you dumbass.” 

Kokichi puffs out his cheeks and pouts like the over dramatic bitch he is. “A successful dumbass, though. Look! I accomplished my goal! You’ve emerged from your emo raccoon den to oh so graciously greet me.” He grins and hops off the counter, grabbing his arm. “C’mon! I bet you haven’t eaten since you sealed yourself away to do boring nerd work. Let’s go get McDonalds or something equally as shitty!” “Wait, Kokichi, the mess-“ “I’ll clean it when we get back! Don’t worry your pretty little detective head about it.” And with that, Kokichi drags a tired Shuichi out to eat McDonalds. ‘All's well that ends well.’ He supposes. 

(Kokichi never did clean the egg mess.)

**Author's Note:**

> me: im a serious writer. i can write serious stuff  
> also me: *posts my first fic to ao3 and it’s about kokichi microwaving an egg*  
> god. this is so stupid fhjfhdkjdjdj i apologize. let me know if i missed any stupid typos like the clown i am


End file.
